If you know me personally, then you know that I rarely engage in arguments or controversy (Enneagram 9 Peacemaker over here). But gosh, I’ve come to the conclusion that we don’t need more people to appease the masses. We need more soldiers marching the narrow path. We don’t need more complacent Christians. We need more devoted disciples. The world doesn’t need more woke warriors; it needs more Truth tellers. We need less people worshipping at the altar of political agendas or popular opinion and more people worshipping at the foot of the cross. 

I guess I’m tired of seeing bad theology and watered-down teaching spread rampantly, so here I am—a little out of my comfort zone but passionately in love with my Savior and committed to the truths found in Scripture. Before we dive into some common questions, I want to give a little more background on where I am coming from. 

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A time is coming (if we aren’t there already) when proclaiming the Bible’s veracity and inerrancy will be qualified as hate speech. So at the risk of offending the thought police and virtue signalers, here’s where I stand: I believe the Bible is true; I believe it is without error. And I believe it is the authoritative Word of God. If we are not coming from the same place, then you probably won’t agree with anything else I say. You are still welcome here. I know this is a crazy statement in today’s world, but my disagreement does not equal hatred. I want to tell you the truth that can set you free.

The Word of God is trustworthy whereas feelings aren’t always to be trusted. If you are struggling with a question regarding salvation or sinful behavior, I can write out all of my thoughts and opinions… but at the end of the day, I will still tell you to seek truth for yourself in the Bible. Look into the context, the author, the purpose of the passages. Do the digging and if you truly want to know the truth, I believe that God will reveal it to you.  

For those just looking to Scripture to confirm your predisposed opinion, you will probably find a way to justify that too…but be warned: eisegesis is a dangerous and slippery slope. Once you start crossing out sections of the Bible based solely on your experiences, you will be left with a false gospel and a fake god. The God of the Bible is so much better. 

My goal with this new series is not to try to scare you into trusting Jesus or to induce anxiety about the state of the world, but to share with you what I am learning based on the Word of God. I’m also not trying to defend God, because I don’t think He needs defending. My hope in this series is to point heavenward and to spread the Gospel story which goes a little something like this:

A great garden. A bunch of fallen fools. A repeatedly gracious God. Messiah in a manger. A Christ who came down & willingly died for the bunch of fallen fools. A true Prince of Peace. Death defeated. Serpent slaughtered. A King who is coming again.

Jesus is our ultimate Hope. He is so good and worthy of praise, so we should be devoted to discovering more about Him. Not to earn our way into heaven, but as a natural overflow of loving and being loved by the God of the universe.

Okay, hopefully we’re on the same page. Let’s look into some questions!

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Why do bad things happen to good people?

“Why do bad things happen to good people? That only happened once and He volunteered.” –R.C. Sproul

Not once has there been a “good” person besides Christ Himself. All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). If you don’t believe that you are a sinner, go and take a look at the Ten Commandments in Exodus 20. Have you ever told a lie? Have you ever wanted something that isn’t yours? If so, you are in direct disobedience to God’s commandments. Ever since Adam & Eve’s rebellion against His perfect plan, we are all born with a sinful nature that will send us to eternal damnation if we aren’t followers of Jesus (I’ll address this a little later). 

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Now, if we are asking, “Why does God allow His faithful followers to suffer?” then we can look into that too. Suffering definitely happens in this life, and we know it’s not a desirable time of sunshine and rainbows. 

Sometimes suffering happens because of a consequence of our actions. Sometimes it’s for the testing of faith that produces godliness. James talks about this in his letter to fellow Christ followers,

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing” (James 1:2-4). 

Encountering trials can not only strengthen our relationship with the Lord and make us more like Him, but it can also strengthen our relationships with fellow believers, allow the church to act as the hands and feet of Jesus, and point a watching world heavenward. In my own experience of waiting on a baby, I can confidently say that the Lord has used my season of suffering in all of those ways and more. He has placed people in my path whom I can now come alongside and say, “I’ve been where you are. I know your pain. And I can tell you that the Lord is not going to leave you in that pain forever. He is going to use this for your good and for His glory.” 

And then there’s the possibility that we won’t know why the suffering happens on this side of heaven. But we can still be confident that God’s plan is bigger and better than our own because His Word tells us so (see Romans 8:28). We have such a limited view of what is happening, and God does not. He can see the bigger picture and He’s holding onto us, friends. 

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Would a loving God really send people to hell?

This question has been asked a million times, and I imagine it will continue to be asked until Jesus returns. Unfortunately, some notable “Christians” have started giving incorrect and unbiblical solutions to this subject in the form of universalism. In all their high-and-mighty-prestigious studies, they have come to the conclusion that God doesn’t actually send people to hell. This is wrong, dangerous, and they will be judged accordingly for their false teaching. 

Listen, y’all. WE HAVE TO STOP THINKING WE ARE MORE GODLIKE THAN GOD HIMSELF. 

If it seems like I’m frustratedly shouting, that’s because I am. This way of thinking is the root of sin, isn’t it? We attempt to undermine God’s commands because we think we know better than God. Spoiler: we do not.

Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Him (John 14:6). In the Bible, Jesus talks more about hell than He talks about heaven. He talks to the rich and the poor and the rulers and the sick –not only about God’s love and mercy, but also about His justice and righteousness. 

Let’s take a look at what Jesus says to Nicodemus in one of the most well-known passages of Scripture (but let’s not stop at verse 16),

“‘For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. 18 Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. 19 And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil.’” (John 3:16-19).

We are all sinful, but God sent His Son to save us from our own corruption and the consequences of our innate natures because of His great love for us. We have an opportunity to trust in Christ, the Light of the world, and spend eternity with Him. But if we do not do so…if we do not have faith in Jesus, then there will be a final judgment for those who loved the darkness of the world more than the light of Christ. 

In Scripture, we discover that there will be two different judgments—followers of Jesus will stand in front of the Bema (the Judgment Seat of Christ) and unbelievers will stand at the Great White Throne judgment. If we belong to God before the rapture, then we will not have to face any possibility of condemnation (see Romans 8:1). We will never have to be separated from Christ. The Bema is a place for handing out rewards. But for those who have rejected the Gospel, they will face the Great White Throne judgment and will be sent to the lake of fire along with Satan and his fallen angels.  

 “…and the devil who had deceived them was thrown into the lake of fire and sulfur where the beast and the false prophet were, and they will be tormented day and night forever and ever. Then I saw a great white throne and him who was seated on it. From his presence earth and sky fled away, and no place was found for them. 12 And I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Then another book was opened, which is the book of life. And the dead were judged by what was written in the books, according to what they had done. 13 And the sea gave up the dead who were in it, Death and Hades gave up the dead who were in them, and they were judged, each one of them, according to what they had done. 14 Then Death and Hades were thrown into the lake of fire. This is the second death, the lake of fire. 15 And if anyone's name was not found written in the book of life, he was thrown into the lake of fire” (Revelation 20:10-15).

Okay, I’m not trying to get too deep into end-of-the-world stuff here, but I think it’s important that we look at the bigger picture when talking about hell and punishment and the reality of eternity. If our names are not written in the book of life, the eternal punishment sounds pretty grim.

Here’s my two cents: we don’t have to understand all of His ways. We don’t even have to agree with all of His ways. But we do have to trust in His ways. He is perfect and we are not. He is a God of justice (while we are ruffling feathers, please note the lack of the word “social” here), and we are neither gods nor perfectly just.

But here’s the good news: He is also a God of mercy and grace, and He is far more loving than we can even imagine. 

The better question to be asking is “How can a perfectly righteous God send a sinner like me to heaven?” This brings me to tears, friends. I am so underserving of a spot in heaven, yet He has saved a place for me there. Jesus died for me. He took the wrath of God for me. He suffered for me. And He did for you too. Trust in Him and Him alone, and we can worship God together forever. This is where the real party will be.

Scripture for further digging: Mark 9:43, Luke 12:5, Matthew 23:15, John 5:28-29

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But would God really send someone to hell who has never heard the Gospel?

This is the last question I’ll be addressing today (I haven’t exactly earned the short-winded star). If you want the short answer: yes. Does this sadden me and make me scratch my head a little? Also yes. 

But like my grandfather used to say, “If ignorance of the Gospel would allow a person to go to heaven, we ought to burn every Bible and close every church” (–Dr. Doug Sager).

However, Jesus tells us not to hide the truth, but to proclaim it:

“‘Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age’” (Matthew 28:19-20).

We are also told that there is a God-shaped hole inside all of us. He has set eternity in our hearts (see Ecclesiastes 3:11). We all know deep down that there’s something missing until we find that ultimate satisfaction in Christ. As far as someone never hearing the Gospel, I believe that there are extraordinary ways that God can reveal Himself. Not only does He call missionaries to remote locations to share the good news of Jesus, but all of creation points to His goodness. 

“The heavens declare the glory of God,
    and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.
2 Day to day pours out speech,
    and night to night reveals knowledge.” (Psalm 19:1-2).

He is meant to be worshipped. If we are looking, we can see that nature reflects His goodness and gives us glimpses of His glory. Every culture and person worships something. We are all just meant to be worshipping the Lord. 

“For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse” (Romans 1:20).  

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That’s all I’ve got for today, folks. I pray these words point to the love of the Father and the truths He has laid out for us in Scripture.

I hope to discuss more questions in the future, so if you have any topics you’d like me to dig into… send them my way! I’d love to hear from you. I can’t promise I’ll have the answers, but I do promise to faithfully seek out the truth.

Y’all, go ahead and pour another cup of coffee and open up your Bible to Jude. It’s a short book (only one chapter), so dive right in and I’ll wait here. 

Now that you’ve finished reading, let’s chat. 

Listen, I cannot even deal. I don’t know if we are in the end times, but gosh—it’s like Jude wrote this little letter in 2020. I read it this morning 3 different times and I am sitting here, shaking my head a little uncomfortably and muttering “Wow” over and over. I’m not going to lie, I teared up around verses 14-16 because my heart breaks for those lost souls. But I also rejoiced in Jude’s confident doxology in the last few verses, because say it with me: “God. Is. In. Control.”

Before we take a closer look at some of the passages, let’s go over a little background on Jude. The book opens up by saying, “Jude, a servant of Jesus Christ and brother of James.” And who is James? You know, the fella who wrote the book of James—he’s a little bit of a go-getter, a lot of a faithful follower, and the half-brother of Jesus. So if James is the brother of Jesus, then Jude is probably the brother of Jesus too (I know what you’re thinking, “Way to state the obvious conclusion, Alex!” You’re welcome.)

I don’t know about you, but I find it interesting that both James and Jude open up by identifying themselves as servants rather than relatives of Jesus. 

“Hey, do you know the guy who came & performed miracles & gave His life for the salvation of humanity & rose from the dead? He’s the Son of God and I’M HIS BROTHER.” I mean, I would probably say a little something like that if I were them. 

But they don’t. Both Jude and James call themselves servants of Jesus, and I think that tidbit of an introduction is worth noting here. Sounds like they may have eaten a few slices of humble pie at some point. 

Okay, moving on.

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Jude’s audience is made up of Christ followers. We don’t know for sure whether they are Jews or Gentiles or a combination of both, but they are clearly familiar with the Old Testament so they are at least aware of Jewish teachings. 

In verses 3-4, Jude reveals why he’s writing: 

“…appealing to you to contend for the faith that was once for all delivered to the saints. For certain people have crept in unnoticed who long ago were designated for this condemnation, ungodly people, who pervert the grace of our God into sensuality and deny our only Master and Lord, Jesus Christ.”

In other (less eloquent) words, “I want to encourage you to hold tight to your faith, because there are false teachers sneaking in the backdoors of churches and sometimes even standing behind pulpits. They may claim to be Christians, but they really value feelings and emotions over the Word of God. They aren’t actually following the Messiah. They forsake holiness on the altar of appeasement and they mistake grace for a hall pass to do whatever they want. God is not surprised by any of this, but y’all should be aware.” (Again, I’m not Mr. Humility Jude, so this is a very loose & Southern paraphrase). 

Jude goes on to warn these Christ followers. He says (again with the imperfect paraphrasing), “Hey—remember how God delivered his people out of Egypt?” At this point, I’m sure the readers are thinking, “Yeah, that was awesome! Go God!” But Jude keeps writing, “…[The Lord] afterward destroyed those who did not believe (v. 5).

*crickets* 

Jude’s cheeriness continues as he discusses how the fallen angels are “kept in eternal chains under gloomy darkness” and points to the consequences of the sexual immorality in the areas of Sodom and Gomorrah— how they “serve as an example by undergoing a punishment of eternal fire” (v.6-7). Those parts in quotations are not paraphrased in the least bit, just in case you were wondering. (Funny how I’ve never seen these verses embroidered on a throw pillow.) I think that if Jude was a modern-day preacher, he’d be labeled as “doom and gloom.”

If you don’t know what happened in Sodom and Gomorrah, flip your Bible over to Genesis 19. It’s not gonna be a story you read to your children before bed (Honestly, maybe Noah’s ark shouldn’t be bedtime reading material either, but I’ll get off my soapbox). Sodom and the surrounding cities are cesspools of unrepentant sin with blatant disregard for the ways of God, so the Lord rains sulfur and fire down on them. While Lot (Abraham’s nephew) and his family are fleeing, his wife looks back and becomes a literal pillar of salt. Mmkay.

Not that I would question the Sovereignty and goodness of God ever (I’ve got jokes), but sometimes I find myself (incorrectly) thinking, “Wow. God can be kind of harsh.” Good thing Jude’s talking about the Old Testament God and not the New Testament God who is all sunshine and rainbows, right? (I hope you’re shaking your head at my sarcasm right about now.) 

What I often fail to remember, though, is that God’s justice is good. God cannot do or be anything that is not good, and He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Our definitions of “good” may be different, but the Lord is the only Being in the whole universe that is entirely good, entirely loving, and entirely just, so I think I’ll let Him tell me what is and isn’t okay. 

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Now that we’re done with our little field trip to the land flowing with malice and perversion (and fire), let’s get back to Jude. He goes on to say, “Yet in like manner these people also, relying on their dreams, defile the flesh, reject authority, and blaspheme the glorious ones” (v.8). 

Sound like anyone in 2020? Asking for a friend. 

When Jude says “these people also,” he’s referring back to false teachers. The wolves in sheep’s clothing. I don’t know about you, but I’ve heard a few people say to “follow your dreams” and “do what feels right” and “you do you.” Just a wild guess, but I don’t think our boy Jude would agree. 

He goes on to warn against these false teachers: “Woe to them! For they walked in the way of Cain and abandoned themselves for the sake of gain to Balaam’s error and perished in Korah’s rebellion” (v. 11). Remember Cain? Yeah, killed his brother. Not a dude you want to be associated with. You can read Balaam’s story in Numbers 22-24, but for now what you need to know is that he “loved gain from wrongdoing” (2 Peter 22:15). As for Korah, he went up against Moses and Aaron, and I think we can make an educated guess how that turns out (Numbers 16). 

All of these people were unhappy with their status, so they pushed back against God’s commands and tried to make their own selfish dreams come true, no matter the cost. Listen, I’m not here to judge because I am a selfish sinner too, but it seems like they should have submitted to God’s authority. He seems to know what He’s doing. 

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Full disclosure— I didn’t intend to go through this letter in such detail, but here we are. I had one-too-many cups of coffee and my baby is finally napping, so let’s do the dang thing. Anyone else straight-up excited about diving into the rest of Jude? (Not sure if this is the coffee or Holy Spirit or both, but I am FUELED). 

Let’s take a look at verse 12: 

“These [false prophets] are hidden reefs at your love feasts, as they feast with you without fear, shepherds feeding themselves; waterless clouds swept along by winds; fruitless trees in late autumn, twice dead, uprooted; wild waves of the sea, casting up the foam of their own shame; wandering stars, for whom the gloom of utter darkness has been reserved forever.” (v. 12-13)

The English Lit. major in me is h e r e for all of these metaphors. Jude is bringing it. The desperate Jesus-follower in me is heartbroken for the reality of what he’s saying.

Hidden reefs: Bad news for boats. Can sink a ship. The passengers would’ve never seen it coming.

(At your love feasts as they feast with you without fear): Take part in communion, church services, but do not fear the Lord. One might call them “cultural Christians.”

Shepherds feeding themselves: Hey, shepherds? What about those sheep? 

Waterless clouds swept along by winds: Fooled into thinking it might rain. The wind blows and the cloud is like, “Oh yeah, that sounds good. Let’s go that way instead.” 

Fruitless trees: Again, fooled into thinking that you might get some fruit from the tree that looks promising. But in reality, that tree is d-e-a-d. Actually, it doesn’t even have roots. You ain’t getting any food from that thing.

Wild waves: Wreaking chaos. Dangerous. Actually unhappy and unsatisfied while sitting in their own crushing shame. 

Wandering stars: Not the kind of stars you want for guidance. 

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You’d think that Jude had finished making his point by now about the whole watch-out-for-false-teachers thing, but he continues to hammer it home. 

He then draws attention to the future—about how the Lord will come back for judgment. It doesn’t sound like it’ll end well for those who don’t belong to the Almighty. (Remember the lady who was turned into a pillar of salt? I’m gonna guess that their fates might be worse than that.) Jude goes on to call these fake Christians a few names like, “grumblers, malcontents, following their own sinful desires; they are loud-mouthed boasters, showing favoritism to gain advantage” (v. 16). 

Again, these aren’t verses you’ll find displayed in calligraphy inside a Hobby Lobby frame, but they are important and true. (Not knocking displaying Bible verses in your home-I have them and I make them, so don’t clutch your pearls. I just think it’s important we value ALL Scripture instead of just the words that sound pretty or feel good. My hand is raised in confession over here.)

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If you’re still here, then congrats. You get a gold star. I know we’ve chased a few rabbits along the way, but we are almost done with Jude. And don’t quit just yet, because we are getting to my favorite parts. 

In verses 17-22, Jude urges his fellow believers to respond to these wayward souls with faithfulness, a vibrant prayer life, and uncompromising convictions. He encourages the readers to show mercy to “those who doubt,” but to “show mercy with fear” to those caught up in immorality. Jude is adamant about not compromising our obedience to God’s commandments, saying to hate “even the garment stained by the flesh” (v. 22). Love the sinner, hate the sin. That’ll preach. 

And then Jude wraps up the letter in a beautiful doxology/reminder:

“Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen” (v. 24-25).

One last imperfectly Southern paraphrase for you (with a few of my own interjections):

“Don’t worry, y’all. God has you in his hands… and if you are truly one of His, He is not letting go or giving up on you. Not only that, but when it’s all said and done—you will be presented as BLAMELESS WITH GREAT JOY. This exclusively happens through the one and only Christ our Savior (also, my brother!!). This God who sent His only Son to take our place? He deserves all the things and should be adored—He holds the greatest & most honorable spot and rules over all creation, always. Let us remember these truths as we await His return.”

This world may be crazy and filled with lots of confusion, but God remains on His throne.

Hallelujah. What a Savior.

“So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.”

— Romans 7:21-23

I want to take a moment to talk about spiritual warfare, because there is a real and sometimes overwhelming battle going on between darkness and light. If you don’t believe in the workings of the enemy, then you are probably hiding out in a bunker…because gosh, the world just seems to be filled with all sorts of darkness these days. The devil doesn’t seem so behind the scenes anymore. And although it’s tempting to point fingers and place blame on political parties or social agendas or your high school friend on facebook, we mustn’t become distracted by the chaos.

Because what would happen if we prayed for those people we disagree with more than we criticized them? What would happen if we recognized the sin in our own lives before casting stones? What would happen if we stopped allowing ourselves to be caught in the current of distractions but instead showed up in our battle gear? I think Satan would start running scared.

We must remember who the real enemy is.

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Honestly? It doesn’t thrill me to talk about the devil. Now that I think about it, it would be super weird if it did, actually. I’m just not all that eager to acknowledge that there is a battle going on for my thoughts and sins and words. But I think it’s important that we push through those fears and remember the fight. 

When I imagine Satan, I don’t think of him as the red creature with a pitchfork and horns that we often see depicted. Nope, my imagination thinks of him as the kid catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang because this is clearly the most terrifying character in cinematic history. Go ahead and keep any arguments to yourself. Because yeah, Voldemort and the Joker are scary; the Trunchbull and Ursula are plain mean. But I have zero hesitations about the kid catcher’s supreme evil. Thank goodness for Dick Van Dyke’s flying car, because they really needed to get the heck away from that creepy kidnapper.  

Back to my point: the father of lies is itching to dig up our roots and make us doubt our worth. And while he can’t separate us from the love of God, the devil can give us Job-like circumstances; he can attack our thoughts and halt our growth. He will do everything in his power to lead us deeper into fear and anxiety and depression, to immobilize us so severely that we no longer show up in our battle gear. He can wreak havoc and cause panic and distract our focus from the things that really matter. 

The difficult truth is that we still have to show up to the fight, and we might get a few bruises along the way. We do not know how many scars we will get in the battle. We don’t know how many days we will want to bow out of the struggle, how many times we will cry out to God in desperation. 

Whoever says that following Jesus will bring nothing but happiness is just plain wrong. I know I’m being less-than-gentle here, but this is a war we must take seriously. There is a lot of heartache involved, as most of us have learned from experience. 

The good news? God wins the war. We know the final outcome; we don’t have to show up shaking in our boots every day. We can go into the battle with confidence that our God is bigger and better than anything that Satan and his demons can throw our way. The end of the story has already been revealed through the most horrible, beautiful cross. We know the scoreboard at the end of all this, and we can rest assured because we also don’t have to go into battle alone. 

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We have the Holy Spirit living inside of us, which is crazy-amazing when you think about all of the wonderful implications of this. God Himself is dwelling in us, which sounds more insane than the plot line of The Matrix. The Lord of the Universe wields a power deep in our souls! What in the actual world are we all running around like crazy for?

So we have this Spirit of God inside of us (which is incredibly reassuring), but we also possess the tools He has generously gifted us: the belt of truth and the breastplate of righteousness, the gospel of peace, the shield of faith and the helmet of salvation. All of these are defenses against the enemy and necessities in this realm of warfare. I like to imagine all of these pieces coming together for a fight like my personal team of Avengers showing up to save the day.  

If you happen to be a Hey-Now-All-Star Christian, then you’ll notice I left one piece of armor out of the list. That’s because this is arguably the most notable piece of armor, and I want to take a little extra time here. It’s the only item that is used more for attack than defense: the sword of the Spirit. In Ephesians 6, Paul even spells out what the sword is for those of us who need a little extra help. He calls it the “word of God.” 

 Are you sick of me talking about the necessity of Scripture yet? Cool, cool. Me neither. 

In those good seasons where we are flourishing and growing, when we are walking down the road singing Zip-a-dee-doo-dah with the sunshine on our face, we should be storing up a reservoir of truth. We cannot stroll down Easy Street and have amnesia about God all of the sudden; our relationship with God and His Word should not be a genie in a bottle to us, because that is not a real relationship. We write the Word of God on our hearts because His unchanging Truth keeps us grounded and focused. We write the Word of God on our hearts in the good times so they will be our weapons of attack when the going gets tough.

And when we find ourselves deep in the throes of battle, when we are grieving or suffering or the panic attacks keep coming, there is so much power in opening up His Word. Even if we have more unbelief inside of us than belief at the time, when we turn to Scripture we are throwing a sucker punch to the enemy. We are holding tight to our roots while showing up and saying, “Not today, Satan. Not today.” 

So let’s keep marching into battle with confidence, friends. Open eyes, sword of the Spirit, can’t lose.

photo by Love Be photography

Having a baby in the middle of a pandemic in a city under protests & curfews (during a hot Alabama summer) wasn’t exactly part of my birth plan. But then again, nothing about having kids has gone according to my plan. A fierce battle with infertility. Finding out the gender by accident (another story for another day). A canceled baby shower. Going to appointments alone. Carrying past the due date. My water breaking in the middle of the night.

But God did not waste any of it, because every moment of bringing our girl into the world has been a wild & beautiful miracle.

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photo by Shelby Young photography

“How are you feeling about giving birth in all of this craziness?” I was asked this question a lot during the weeks leading up to delivery. I would joke that “the baby’s coming, pandemic or not!” But I don’t think I really realized how I felt until a well-meaning Wal-Mart employee looked at me from behind her plexi-glass partition and said, “Oh, I know you must be scared during all of this.” But the thing was: I wasn’t scared and I told her that with a smile (which she couldn’t see…because, ya know about that face mask life).

In the midst of so much chaos and uncertainty, I had this crazy, passes-all-understanding peace that could only come from the Lord. I think He had prepared me for this season (whether I liked it or not) and I had learned to loosen the grip of things I had never meant to carry (I’m still learning this, of course). And while worries and fears would occasionally creep in (my biggest fear being that they would separate our new little family if I ended up getting COVID), God would gently reassure me that He was and is in control. In all of His kindness and power and love, He knew the perfect timing of our girl’s birth. And as frustrated as I was at moments, I could hold fast to that truth.

…

Throughout the pregnancy, I suspected I would go into labor early, so our bags were packed and I finished up all of my work deadlines around 37 weeks. And then the waiting game really began. There is nothing quite like waiting on your baby to come, especially when we were mostly quarantined to the house already (insert thumb twiddling here). However, from my 37 week appointment to my 39 week appointment, there was little to no labor progress. So we scheduled an induction date for the Friday after my due date (my due date was on Tuesday, June 2nd) while still praying for our girl to come on her own.

At 39 weeks, I was increasingly uncomfortable and had pretty much given up hope of going into labor naturally. But I was trying to remain positive and still trying all of the old wives’ tales to induce labor without meds. I started having contractions on and off, but then they would go away fairly quickly. My due date came and went. Still no baby.

photo by Love Be photography

On Wednesday, I prepped the last few things we would be needing since I had come to terms with the fact that we would likely be heading to the hospital Thursday afternoon to start the prep for my Friday induction appointment. We ate dinner and went on a walk, went to bed and prayed for a smooth delivery despite the unexpected circumstances.

I wasn’t sleeping well per usual, and I got up for (yet another) bathroom trip around 2 A.M. I couldn’t stop peeing (mamas, ya feel me). But then I reallyyy couldn’t stop and realized that my water might have broken (!!) I came out of the bathroom a little in shock and woke up Kevin by saying, “So. I think my water just broke.” Kevin and I both quickly came out of our middle-of-the-night delirium while I called the doctor. She asked me some questions to confirm what I had thought happened and then told us to head to the hospital. We hurriedly changed clothes, grabbed bags, and jumped in the car. As we drove down the empty roads, it all felt very weird and exciting that we were finally going to meet our baby girl.

While we were checking into the hospital and getting our temperatures checked, I was having some contractions that were pretty close together, but they still weren’t very painful. They took some samples from me to confirm my water had broken (it had) and check for dilation. I was only 1 cm dilated, but because I was clearly in labor they took us to a room and set up for the day.

At around 3:30 A.M., the doctor on call came in and told me they would be putting me on pitocin to speed things along, but that he wouldn’t be giving me an epidural until I was at least 3 cm. Since I heard pitocin makes contractions more painful and closer together, I was not thrilled… but was determined to get our baby out safely and efficiently.

Kevin set up our portable speaker with worship music while we chatted with our sweet nurse about Jesus and weddings and the best restaurants in Birmingham (I am convinced she was sent straight from heaven and could not have gotten through labor & delivery without her). Once they hooked me up to the meds and IV, the contractions grew steadily more painful and I quickly told everyone in the room that they better stop talking about food or I will banish them (I was very hungry and shooting daggers at Kevin as he ate his chicken biscuit). It wasn’t long before the amount of pain distracted me from my hunger and I was asking for pain meds. They gave me something which helped knock the edge off, but the medicine only lasted an hour and then it was back to what I like to call “the pit(ocin) of despair.”

Kevin talked a lot (to no one’s surprise) while I attempted to squeeze his hand off and breathe through the worst of the pain. I really don’t remember a lot of that time; I’ve possibly wiped those hours from my memory as some sort of coping mechanism (shoutout to all those who opt for a natural labor—y’all are superheroes!) They checked dilation again around 12:30 P.M. and I was 5 cm dilated- praises!! I could finally get an epidural. The anesthesiologist arrived and prepped/administered the epidural (which wasn’t painful at all—although it’s possible my pain levels were a bit thrown off at this point). It took a bit to kick in but when it did, I was a brand new person. I felt like I could actually take in and enjoy the next moments leading up to birth.

An hour later, our nurse was shocked to find that I was 9 cm dilated and it was about time to start pushing. I think I replied with, “Wait. What?” The nurses gave a quick lesson on how to push while setting up the scale/bassinet where they would put her after she got there. The gravity of L’s quickly-approaching arrival was hitting us both, and I was trying not to cry as Kevin and I thought about the journey leading to this moment.

I pushed for about 7 minutes and then we were told it was time to get the doctor. Again, I’m pretty sure I asked, “Huh?" Are you sure?” She dismissed my doubts and called for assistance, but the kicker was that the doctor was next door in the middle of a delivery. So I sat back up while they told me to stop pushing until he could finish up in the other room (it was a full moon the previous night and apparently the L&D floor was filled with double the patients). It was very weird to just be chatting & chilling when we could be meeting our baby any moment. When the doctor arrived, I pushed for a few more rounds and before I knew it, I was looking down at our precious, wiggly baby. It was beautiful and surreal and we were all crying while welcoming our girl into the world. We had a sweet moment where the doctor prayed over us, and we thanked the Lord for her little life.

After soaking in cuddles, feeding her, and listening to Kevin brag about guessing the right birth weight (6 lbs. & 10 oz.), we confirmed her name. We had decided on her first name back in December after we found out we were having a girl. It means “bringer of light” and man, she has lived up to that name so far. The brightest little light in the midst of so much darkness. We chose her middle name after my grandmother— one of the strongest and most faithful women we know. It means “confidence, belief” which fits Mimi so well, and we pray that our girl will have that same bold faith!

photos by Love Be photography

…

The past month has been such a whirlwind full of diaper changes, middle of the night feedings, staring at our girl, and alternating asking each other, “Can you believe she’s really here?” We are full of forgetfulness and the new-parent brain fog. We are growing in patience and grace as we imperfectly attempt to embrace this wild & wonderful season. We are so in love with our baby girl already and trying to take in all of the moments while also taking way too many pictures.

Overall, we are incredibly grateful for all of it— the good, the hard, and the holy.

“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”

— Ephesians 3:20-21

There’s no etiquette guide for starting something like this, so I suppose I’ll just begin here: Kevin and I have had the unwanted privilege of walking through infertility over the past couple of years. 

I say “unwanted” for obvious reasons: neither of us would have chosen this difficult path full of hurt and heartache. Neither of us wanted to experience the gauntlet of physical, financial, and emotional stress that comes along with infertility. 

But I say “privilege” because that’s exactly what it has ended up being. It is a privilege to walk through suffering when it brings you closer to each other and closer to Jesus than you ever imagined. It is a privilege to lay your plans and your timing at the feet of the throne over and over again. And it is a privilege to watch God work miracles in ways you never imagined in your wildest dreams. 

Don’t get me wrong—there have been lots of less-than-glamorous days. Days where I did not wait well or see the beauty in the brokenness. There were so many moments I could not see the goodness of God through the darkness. There were tests and procedures and pills and shots that made us lose faith in the process (and money and sanity), little by little. 

Somehow simultaneously, I doubted God’s plan for us and held fast to His Word. Not because I was choosing some great step of faith, but because I had nowhere else to go. These have been the hardest years of running into His arms when I didn’t feel like it, believing He had purpose in our pain when I couldn’t see it, and trusting His timing when I was angry at the ways in which He was working. Although I didn’t do this gracefully, I learned how to carry both sorrow and joy, grief and gratitude, and hope in the darkest of nights. 

I jotted down a few stories and thoughts during this time. Here is a small excerpt:

Despite all of the tears and heartbreaks, deep in my bones I still know that God is good and He is after the best for me. And the best for me is His glory. He is patient with me like a good parent with a hormonal, rebelling teenager and loves me through all of the trials. So I told God He was my only hope. He was, and He is. 

I would love to wrap this story of heartache in a tidy little bow. I would love to tell the world that God gave us a miracle baby, but I can’t do that yet. While God has healed a lot of the hurts and disappointments through this season of brokenness, we are still waiting for that positive test; we are aching to hear our baby’s heartbeat for the first time and itching to decorate a nursery, to talk about baby names and what sports they will play, to teach them about Jesus and to watch them grow up. I am desperate for the day where I can look my son or daughter in the eyes, show them my journal full of scribbled prayers and say, “This doesn’t even come close to how many times I’ve prayed for you.”

But if that day never comes, I will still believe in the goodness of God. Not because I feel like it, but because it is one of the few things I know to be true. I will still believe that He is right here with us, in this season of waiting and suffering and grief. I can only see a small sliver of the picture, and God can see the whole beautiful masterpiece. 

My mindset has shifted: instead of waiting on a baby, I am waiting on the Lord. And I am already lifting those praise hands in victory because I know this to be true: He always shows up. 

…

There are parts of our story that have changed now; I can now say that we received the positive test and we are overjoyed that we have a beautiful miracle baby growing and moving as I type this…we are pregnant! 

 We have been crying happy tears and dancing in the kitchen and praising the Lord for working in beautiful and holy ways—ways that we wouldn’t have chosen or anticipated, but that are so perfectly miraculous. Looking back on the messiest and hardest season of our lives, I can confidently say that God was with us in the waiting and His timing truly is perfect. He has indeed been painting a beautiful masterpiece all along.  

 And I am so thankful for every second of the horrible, tear-stained, wonderful journey that led us to this place. 

…

“Those who sow in tears
shall reap with shouts of joy!
He who goes out weeping,
bearing the seed for sowing,
shall come home with shouts of joy,
bringing his sheaves with him.”

— Psalm 126:5-6

To anyone else walking through infertility,

Feel free to reach out if you need to vent or just want to chat with someone who knows what it’s like in the waiting. We aren’t meant to walk this journey alone.

To our community,

Thank you for praying for us, crying with us, bringing meals, checking on us, and carrying our burdens with us over the past couple of years. Thank you to those of you who haven’t shied away from the pain, but stepped right into the messy middle with us. We have truly experienced the body of Christ so beautifully, and we are beyond blessed by each of you. 

To baby Fly,

We have never and we will never stop fighting for you. And more importantly, God won’t stop either. You are so loved.

To all of you,

Thank you for taking the time to learn more about our journey. We continue to ask for your prayers as we prepare for the arrival of our sweet babe (due early next summer)!

FAQs

• How should I best care for loved ones walking through infertility? 

Pray for them. Check on them, not by asking specific questions about treatment or news, but let them know you haven’t forgotten about them and you’re available if they want to talk. Infertility can be so isolating and taboo, so it helps to know that there are people out there who are willing to walk alongside you and aren’t afraid to step into the storm with you. 

• What resources would you recommend for couples on this journey?

To Read: 

This probably goes without saying, but it’s important to stay in the Word even when we may not feel like opening our Bibles. The Lord healed so many of my wounds through Scripture, and I am so grateful for His faithfulness in allowing His words to speak life into me. 

 Mercy Like Morning by Jane Johnson

 The Infertility Companion by Sandra Glahn & Dr. William Cutrer

It Starts with the Egg by Rebecca Fett

Making Babies by Sami S. David & Jill Blakeway

To Listen:

The Joy and Infertility Podcast

The Waiting Prayerfully Playlist by Courtney Kahla (Spotify)

Rollercoasters + A Toy Story

I doubt this is a surprise to most, but I was a pretty cautious kid. I don’t know if this stemmed from the oldest-child gene or my hesitancy to make decisions or if it was just a little bit of neuroticism. 

For example, some of my earliest memories involve my grandparents taking me to K-Mart and telling me I could pick out one toy to buy. I would meticulously look at every single item in the kids’ aisle, set aside my favorites, and carefully weigh my selection—like I was choosing either Woody or Buzz Lightyear and the consequences to my decision affected the toys’ tiny, important lives. 

What if this doll wouldn’t fit in with my other dolls? What if I got home and was still wishing I had the pastel-colored Polly Pocket? 

My grandmother, in all of her patience, would help me talk through the pros and cons of each toy or doll and eventually, with much consideration and worst-case scenario imagining, I would choose the winning item. 

Fast forward a few years—I was about ten years old with my parents and little sister in Disney World, and I was terrified of rollercoasters (and rollercoaster-adjacent rides). My dad begged me to ride one with him, to try something a little more advanced than the kiddie rides, but I refused all day long out of fear and caution. I would go to my worst-case scenario thinking once again: “What if I fell out of the rollercoaster? What if I threw up? What if the ride broke down halfway through?” 

Eventually, I showed some interest in the log ride (Splash Mountain) after my parents’ constant reassurance that we would be okay. I insisted on watching at least ten logs come down the last big drop as some sort of test subjects for my impending compliance. The kids and adults all looked happy and safe as they completed the drop with all of their limbs intact, so I gave my stamp of approval and headed for the line with my dad while my mom and toddler-sister waited on a nearby bench. The whole time we spent in line, my dad attempted to pep me up by talking about how fun it would be, and then we inevitably took our turn boarding the ride. 

I settled into the fake log as we slowly drifted along the water; we safely landed a few small drops and the animated characters along the way were a good distraction. We were all smiles as we got near the end of the ride, but then I once again grew afraid of the final, biggest drop. We started to head up the incline, where just over the hill would be the biggest plunge yet, and then we came to a sudden stop. At first we thought it was part of the ride, some sort of manipulative method to build suspense, but then the lights flicked on while an employee appeared. The ride had broken down. We were stuck. 

As the Disney employee helped us out of the log and onto the emergency sidewalk, I realized that my worst-case scenario had come true. I was living out my imaginative fears. But you know what? It was okay. Not because I was no longer scared or disappointed or freaked out. But I knew I would make it through because my dad was right beside me. 

We eventually got back on the log ride, survived the final, giant splash, and animatedly recounted the unlikely story to my mom. Apparently I wasn’t too traumatized from that experience, because at some point I became a fan of rollercoasters and dismissed any lingering fears over amusement parks. 

 _

It’s easy to look back and laugh at my little girl self, who was all too easily scared and indulgent in “What if?” thoughts, but what I’ve come to realize is that we do the same thing as adults. While these thoughts may sound more “grown-up,” aren’t they still just asking, “What if the worst happens?” 

What if I never get married?

What if I get fired?

What if my spouse passes away?

What if my kids turn their backs on God?

Unfortunately, sometimes our worst fears become reality. But you know what? We can survive our biggest fears. We can make it through the worst-case scenarios. Because our Father is right beside us. 

Just like in Daniel, God may allow us to fall into the fire. But He doesn’t leave us alone in the fiery furnace. So instead of allowing our thoughts to go down the rabbit hole of the worst possible scenarios, we should stop ourselves and say, “If that happens, God will still be good. And I will still trust in Him.” We can find contentment in every situation because God remains with us, and He will sustain us even in the deepest valleys. Paul talks about this same idea in Philippians, right before one of the most taken-out-of-context verses of all time:

“…for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me” (4:11-13).

I think we can safely assume that we’ve all heard that last verse used as a rallying cry to win a game, ace a test, or triumph over a trial. And I believe that God does strengthen us for those things, but we can’t ignore the rest of the words: plenty AND hunger, abundance AND need, any and every circumstance. After all, these encouraging verses are not coming from a guy who had a rainbows-and-butterflies kind of life. They are coming from a guy who faced the worst situations (blinded, shipwrecked, thrown in prison, constant death threats), and he still trusted in his Savior. Not because he believed that everything would work out easily, but because he had an unshakable faith that God’s plan was better than his own and he could face anything with the Lord on his side.

Maybe you’re in a season of abundance — the rollercoaster of life is moving along steadily and smoothly and you find yourself with your hands in the air, grinning and laughing with loved ones. In this season, don’t forget to praise God in all of His goodness. Or maybe you’re in a season of need— there are a few more loops than you expected and you find yourself on an emergency sidewalk living out your worst nightmares. In this season, don’t forget to praise God in all of His goodness. Because your father is still beside you, ready to carry you through your fears.

And at the end of the day, no matter the season we are in or the scenarios we might be facing, our thoughts can turn from worry into worship as we allow the Lord to replace the fear of the unknown with the peace of His presence. Because here are a few truths we can take to the bank: God is faithful in the good and the bad and the in-between, and He never leaves those He has called by name.

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.”

— Isaiah 43:1