I was talking with a friend the other day about their love story. Like us, this couple started dating early in college, so we were all reminiscing about college days and discussing old pictures. “It’s funny,” I said, “because when I look at a picture of us as freshmen in college, I see two completely different people than the people we are now.”
Kevin and I have both changed so much since we were 18 (praise the Great Lion of Judah!) We have also changed since we were first married at 22 (yes, I was basically a child bride). And we will continue to grow and change along the way, Lord willing.
Whereas this is a crippling thought for some, I think change is good and important if we are both headed in the same direction: toward sanctification in Christ.
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Kevin and I got engaged at the beginning of our senior year in college. When he proposed, he read from John 13 and washed my feet. It was far from an empty gesture because the past eight years of marriage have been full of moments where he chose to show up and serve me when I didn’t deserve it.
Less than a year after the proposal, I wore a long white dress made of lace, walked down the aisle to 10,000 Reasons, and mended my heart, publicly and spiritually, underneath an arbor of white flowers to my best friend.
The trees were filled with ribbons and lace, dancing with the breeze. A lot of things went wrong, but the most important things went right. It was an imperfectly perfect day—magical and meaningful and full of glory. I am still so thankful for all of the ways our people showed up and loved us on that day.
After the wedding, we honeymooned in the Dominican and got all of our cash stolen. We packed up our cars and moved to Arkansas, where we didn’t know anyone. Looking back, it’s obvious to see that we were naive in every sense of the term. Although I’m 100% certain I’ll look back to where we are now and say the same exact thing one day.
People told us how young we were to be getting married in condescending tones and warned us how hard it would be. We did a lot of smiling and nodding, because we loved Jesus and each other. And for us, that was enough.
I know we’re still young, that we haven’t yet gone through a lot of life and the really hard seasons of raising rebellious teenagers. I know we still have a lot of learning in the years ahead of us. But I can’t help but think that marriage is so, so good. We are growing up together, side by side and hand in hand. I am learning more about Jesus, about my own sinfulness and my husband’s selflessness.
And sure, there are days when we fight, the truly angry kind where we give mean looks and don’t do a lot of talking until we both apologize for being stupid, selfish sinners.
Because that’s what we are: sinners. And marriage means double the sin. You are joined to that other person fully, so you help bear his baggage, and he takes on yours. Then you both hand that joined baggage over to Jesus.
Marriage is sacred and good and hard like that. It is the most rewarding and vulnerable community I have ever been a part of.
And you’re probably rolling your eyes right about now, but I am holding on to this goodness as hard as I can. We are taking precautions and fighting for our marriage because we know the devil wants to destroy every piece of it. We’re not going to let him.
Because, let me tell you—I think God knew what He was doing when He created the sacred covenant of marriage. I think He knew it would be challenging and wonderful, full of glory and endless ways of making us a little more like Jesus. I think He knew that He was creating a place where we could be silly and repent our sinfulness and feel safe.
I think marriage—this sacred rhythm of husband and wife doing life together—is one of God’s very best inventions.
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Sometimes I am asked marriage advice, which makes me laugh out loud for a full two minutes. But then, once the laughing dies down and I realize they are serious, I usually find myself coming back to these main points I have learned (and am still learning after eight years, which is entirely too obvious for my patient husband):
1. Our foundation matters.
We must keep Christ at the center, as the Cornerstone where He so rightfully belongs. On the same note, we must keep His Word at the center. Not to mention our prayer life should be more active than a three-year-old on a sugar high (This is hypothetical, of course. Bless all of you with threenagers.) If we do not have our marriage roots in Christ and His Word, along with an active prayer life, then we will fall apart faster than Jericho itself. We must keep asking ourselves in both peaks and valleys, “What is our purpose here? Have we looked to see what Scripture says about this? Have we prayed over this?”
If we establish our foundation in Christ and declare that we will choose to wake up and love the other person regardless of our feelings, then Christ will be glorified in our marriage. Our spouse may not always make us happy, but with a rock-solid foundation in Jesus, we can grow in holiness and acquire the joy, joy, joy, joy down in our hearts (like the Sunday school song declares).
2. We should view our spouse in a lens of grace.
If we keep score on every little thing our significant other does wrong and then throw it in their faces at opportune moments, this will end poorly (I say this from experience, obviously). And then they might just bring up some of your hypocrisy and sinfulness and you might find yourself crying in the bathtub while saying, “I am the worst wife in the history of wives. I am Eve herself.”
Critique without grace often comes back like a boomerang, ladies and gents. So let’s observe that beautiful golden rule and treat our spouse in the way we want to be treated, which is preferably with heaps and heaps of grace.
3. Praise him at the gates (see Proverbs 31:23).
Allow me to speak to all of the wives for a moment: we should be our husbands’ biggest cheerleaders, even when they are not present. Just like harsh and inconsiderate words negate intimacy in our relationships, a few kind and encouraging words breed life for our husbands.
When girlfriends are dishing on their husbands, we can sit silently or share some of the ways in which we have failed our husbands (this takes up approximately one thousand hours for me, so it really helps change the course of conversation). I’m not saying I’ve been perfect in this arena, but I strive to be the wife who builds up rather than the one who tears down.
I still lovingly make fun of him, though. I am not Mother Teresa.
4. Have intentional conversations, and have them often.
This is a big one for us. As newlyweds, we found ourselves loving marriage but also a little bit disconnected from each other—which sounded crazy, since we began sharing a bed and a last name. But it seemed that Kevin and I were spending the majority of our time binge watching The Office and not enough time having real, honest conversations. After a few long months of feeling this way, we began a series of asking each other weekly questions. This habit quickly and completely shifted our relationship into deeper, holier spaces.
Every Sunday, no matter how long the day or where we are—we discuss the same 6 questions. We’ll be driving across state lines or walking the roads in our neighborhood or curled up on the sofa and we’ll talk about our weekly highs and lows, our dreams and thoughts and convictions. Sometimes it will last minutes and sometimes it will last hours. Sometimes we bust out laughing and sometimes we burst into tears. But we are always glad we took the time to connect in this way, seeing where our heads and hearts have been dwelling and gently speaking encouragement and life back to one another.
Whether you choose your own list of weekly questions, write letters to each other, or pray with your spouse on the phone during your commute to work, find a place time where you can connect in real, honest, and vulnerable ways and then make a consistent habit of it. It could potentially be awkward at first, but you might just be surprised in all of the beautiful ways God grows your marriage during these conversations.
5. Have fun together.
In the name of Narnia, not everything has to be so serious all of the time. Go on a hike or a spontaneous trip to the edge of the ocean. Go bowling or play laser tag or cheer on your favorite football team or build a fort in your living room. Don’t be robots who only discuss work or kids’ schedules or all of the reasons you are too busy to do that. Don’t forget to dream and play and live to the very fullest.
Even in our weekly questions, at the end of the usually-serious discussions, we simply ask each other a random question. This will usually be something silly and ridiculous, like our most desired superpower or our favorite Parks & Rec character (it’s gotta be superspeed and Ron for me). We have fun through both big and small ways—through taking a trip or walking around the neighborhood or having friends over for outdoor movies.
There are endless ways of having fun, but I keep finding this concept is important in all relationships, and especially in marriages. If we can’t have fun together and laugh with each other, then we are missing out on so much of the JOY God wants us to experience in this crazy and messy and hilarious life.
6. We have been designed not to walk through marriage alone, but in community.
You may be tired of hearing this, but I will keep shouting it from the rooftops because community is so undeniably important and entirely too easy to neglect when it comes to our marriages.
Biblical marriage counseling is a good thing. Small groups are so helpful. Couple friends are life-giving to marriages in all kinds of ways. We cannot hide down in our bunkers forever (no matter how much this introverted homebody would love that). We cannot neglect the people around us—not only because it is a gratifying experience for our marriages, but also because community is such a vital part of living life for the glory of God.
7. Never use the word hubby.
This is based on nothing Biblical whatsoever, just cold-and-hard opinion. Blessed assurance, I am doing all of us a favor here.
